I am lost

I haven't been completely honest w/myself. I am stressed to the max. I am depressed. I am feeling sorry for myself. I am lonely, and I feel like a failure. I am over weight, lazy, sarcastic, and a bitch. I treat my kids like shit a lot of the time, I treat my husband like shit, and I don't know how to stop. I want to change, I need to change, I have to change.


My Lily is going through something major that I don't understand. She is so angry, full of anxiety, mean, sad.... She's just gotten worse and worse. I have done everything I know to do, and now there's nothing left but a psych evaluation that I really don't want to take her to, and medication that I feel isn't working.

She has these horrid horrid night terrors/tantrums. Last night was a bad one. She was completely rigid, screaming, crying, launching herself from one side of her bed to the other. She was screaming so loud, her eyes rolled back so all IO saw was the whites, and her little head thrown back.... gut wrenching screams coming out. I was mortified!!! I begged/asked what was wrong, what happened, why are you crying, tell mommy. NOTHING worked till she passed out from sheer exhaustion. What's a mother to do?

I even saw it coming on :-/ I just couldn't stop it.

I have to ignore my son a lot. I have to leave him be a lot. Lily takes so much time. I am so tired. I feel so bad for her. What am I to do?

Her appointment is on the 8th. We shall see eh? She has labs that I am waiting on, soooosoooo much to take in. I am lost!