I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

You took my Mother from me...

You took my Aunt from me...

You are taking my brother from me...

How miserable you have made our family

All of the time stolen

All of the pain and heartache caused

I hate you so much it makes me burn inside

I live in fear of you everyday

You will not stop until you've stolen them all

You won't have my son

You won't steal my heart, my love, my memories

You won't rob us of our time

How many more lives do you have to steal?

How many more dreams will you shatter?

How many does it take...

I HATE you Cystic Fibrosis

Jan 8th 2011

Lots to do today. I don't really feel like doing it all, but it's my job... or that's what Ben would say. Guess I agree with him to an extent... but everyone else gets a day off, why not me?  

I am going to go grocery shopping & also to buy a present for Lily's 3rd birthday. It's a very exciting time for me. Kinda bittersweet when I think about it. I don't want her to grow up & i do want her to. I am so tired of these terrible 2's, and her anxiety & aggression. But in the same sense I can still hold her close, smell her hair, smell her morning breath, play with her, and be a part of her world. She's still my baby, still comes to Mommy when she's sick or hurting, or when she needs anything. I dread the day when that changes. For all of the things that annoy me there are a million things I love about her. There are a million things I will miss when she's grown and moved on. Gosh... my baby is turning 3. 

My bubba's is going to go into his "big boy bed" tonight. It's actually his crib converted to a toddler bed. STILL, it's a big step for us and I am excited. 

Pretty nifty lol. It's bittersweet here too because he's my last baby, and he's a toddler now. Wow!! Well I love my babies and thank God for them <3 I am going to make it a point to cherish even the smallest thing. Call me cheesy.

My big news....

I am going to go to college on Jan 26th and sign up for summer classes to become an RN!!!!!!! I am so happy! The appointment is to do a plan and select classes and such. In a couple years I will be a Registered Nurse. It has been a dream of mine since I was kid!!! I am so nervous, scared, worried I am too old etc, but I am NOT letting it hold me back, and I will do this!

I took Lilyana lee & Wyatt to a Christian preschool today called "Victorious Beginnings". I am going to get them enrolled and signed  up for when I start classes. Lily LOVED it there. We did a tour with Daddy & Bubbs. She just kept saying "I wanna go to school, I wanna play". It was GREAT. Made my reservations about daycare/preschool lessened. It's a Christian based school that teaches morals, values, bible stories, etc... best part? It's literally one street up and over from my house! Yes, they are DES certified, so I will be applying for that as well.

I have also been thinking about church, going back, at least on Sundays. I think I can make time for God one day a week seeing that he took the time to create me <3

Everyone pray for us that we continue to pull out of the rut were in, and I swear I  will do my absolute best to become an AWESOME nurse <3 

2011...

is going to be all about me and my family. What makes US happy, healthy, and whole. 2010 had too much bad memories, problems, drama, and crap. 2011... here we come!!! 

I have many plans for this year. Possibly starting school, working on my weight, working on my food addiction, working on being more patient & kind. I want to be able to let go of those who have hurt me deeply, and I want to not dwell on the past. I want to hold close those who love me, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I want to have the balls to tell people what I really think, but the kindness not to intentionally hurt feelings. These are not resolutions, these are just my hopes. I am going to try my best to reach these goals. 

I am going to start working on my weight soon. I am buying an exercise bike from my BFF. I am going to try very hard to ride at least an hour per day & then start doing miles :P I think w/the encouragement and support of family & friends I will stop myself from hitting 250. 

I am hoping Ben gets his Toyota running & 4 wheeling capable, I look forward to outdoorsy things & fishing w/the family. I'd like to keep the kids as active as possible and out of in front of the TV. 

I hope to be a better, more understanding daughter. I hope to be able to look past lots of things that I have a tendancy to dwell on . I don't want to let the petty things bother me. I also want to embrace the Santa Cruz side. They truly love me and I believe there's good in everyone in the family. 

Here's to a happy & prosperous New Year!! God Bless!!!